I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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