I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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