My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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