I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
