The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
