i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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