did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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