I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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