The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
