I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
