I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Randomize
