the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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