What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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