Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I need mimosas to revive my soul
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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