You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
