Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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