I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
