Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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