in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
