My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Randomize
