I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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