At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
