God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
