If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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