you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
