i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
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i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
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She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
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