I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Randomize
