How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
