Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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