i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
