I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
