can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
