My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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