I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
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