I want to have your abortion
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
