If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
