How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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