$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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