He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
