my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I'm really busy with my period
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