I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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