I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
