We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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