Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize
