I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
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I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
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I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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