Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
