I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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