It was confusing and full of hummus
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
