so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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