Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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