I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Dignity is for republicans.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
