note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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