That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
