just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
