Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
false alarm, still single
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
