Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
So much Jack, so little girl.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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