She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
