my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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