Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
